My Poor Newbie
by GA is my Guilty Pleasure
Summary: JDCox. Dr. Cox and JD have a fight, but when JD's life hangs in the balance will Cox realize his true feelings and will he be able to forgive himself for something that wasn't his fault? ANGST GALORE!
1. My Fight

Disclaimer: I don't own Scrubs or anything Scrubs related. Writing just for fun!

This is my first scrubs fanfiction and also the first slash story I have ever written. I hope you guys like it!

* * *

"Dr. Cox?"

"For the love of all things hockey related, what?"

"I have a case that involves an obese child. He is having some serious heart problems and he has developed diabetes. The kids only twelve. I tried to talk to both him and the dad about a serious lifestyle change, but neither one seems to be listening to me. I was wondering if you could maybe talk to them."

"Dear God! You did not just interrupt the first chance I have had to have any time to myself so that you could ask me to help you have a chat with some fatty! I know that you still make a mess in your pants sometimes but the pull-ups have got to come off sometime. Dammit, Mary Ann. I have held your precious little hand for long enough. If you're having trouble getting through to a patient you can try harder, give up, or go find one of the other sniffling members of your little pussy posse, but this is the last time that you're gonna come runnin to me! Now out. Out. Out. Out."

"But—"

"No buts, just go."

J.D. turned on his heel, making a hasty step toward the door. In his mind he replayed every time he had come to Dr. Cox for help, most of them ending like this. His day was already going rough, he didn't need this.

"You know what Dr. Cox. I've had enough of your belittling, condescending attitude. I don't deserve to be treated like a child. So far today I have lost two patients, told three others that there was nothing more we could do, been called seven different girls names, had the Janitor trip me, hit me in the knees with a mop, throw me in a dumpster, and squirt ammonia in my eyes, again. I am working a double and I still have another nine hours left in this place. When I'm finished here I get to go home to my tent, which now has a giant hole in the side from a roving band of raccoons. Not to mention the fact that my bike, Sasha—"

"Shut it, Nancy. You're not the only one with problems. Look around. Most of the patients on this floor aren't gonna walk out of here. Their families are watching them wither away. The patients that have a fighting chance have pain, medication, physical therapy, and medical bills to look forward to. The nurses are over worked, underpaid, and under appreciated. The doctors work on too little sleep and too much caffeine. Colonel Doctor is going through a nasty divorce and custody battle that it appears as though he's going to lose. Ted sleeps in the same bed with his mom, even though he has his own room. We all got problems, some worse then others. But here's a big old newsflash for ya. No one cares about your problems so why don't you go ahead and just wait until you get home and then you can just go ahead and cry your little ol' self to sleep."

"Would it really kill you to at least once in your life talk to someone as though they were a grown human being? You're a great doctor, but you suck as a person. There are so many people that look up to you and value what you have to say. And let me tell you, you just lost one."

"Finally some peace. I feel as though I should make you a nice card. Maybe something along the lines of 'Congratulations on moving beyond the training bra. You're such a big girl.' That's right, Clarabelle, run and cry to your big, bald boyfriend. Boo Hoo!" Dr. Cox said with a big grin on his face while jumping up and down.

J.D. turned and stormed off to the on call room to cool down. As Dr. Cox watched J.D. storm away, he placed his hands upon his head, letting out a deep sigh. He was so damn pissed at the kid. How dare he talk to Dr. Cox like that? But at the same time he new the kid was right. He had probably overreacted. All the kid had wanted was to be sure that he was doing what was best for his patient. Dr. Cox knew that while being goofy and immature a majority of the time he was one of the best doctors in this place, always trying to do his best, trying to do what is right. That's something Cox has to struggle to do everyday. What was the hardest to take in was J.D. renouncing his title as Cox's shadow. While the kid had succeeded in annoying the hell out of him, he felt good being the one that J.D. always turned to. As much as he hated to admit it, he didn't mind the kid always following him around, hell, he even kinda liked the kid.

There was nothing he could do about it now. J.D. would probably come running back in a day or two. He made his way over to the couch, settling in to watch his stories.

* * *

It had been about four months since J.D. and Dr. Cox had their falling out and Dr. Cox had to admire the kids devotion. J.D. had stuck to what he said. He no longer followed Dr. Cox around the hospital like an abandoned puppy looking for a home. He hadn't come to Dr. Cox once for advice. He only spoke to him when necessary and even then his voice was filled with indifference, as though he had never even cared.

Dr. Cox, of course, had taken to his usual style of belittlement, clapping when J.D. walked past while shouting things such as, "Oh, would look at that. I give the whole performance a five. He was a off to a shaky start and he still hasn't grown a pair, but by god, he sure as hell stuck that landing. Lets him gave a round of applause folks, he's workin hard to keep up that girly physique. He…"

"Let it go Dr. Cox. He's gone and he's not coming back."

"What do you know about it? Hmmm, Blondie? Oh that's right. You and her have this lovely little on-again-off-again thing.

Well unlike with you, he can't live without me. He kid is completely helpless. He needs me to function. He's gonna come

crawlin back soon. The kid's been way to annoying to just leave cold turkey."

"I meant he was going home for the night."

"Oh, right."

"Just admit it. You miss him. You got some sort of twisted enjoyment out of his worship. You've been walking around here the past six years on some sort of odd ego driven power trip. You're like some crazed delivery man running through my house stripping your clothes off because my mom told you that she wanted a closer look at your package."

"Huh."

"She of course ended up running off with him. She got a block away though. He had to make another delivery and my mom discovered that he didn't have any money."

"Right, so disturbing insights to your mother's sex life aside, I don't miss him. What reason would I have for missing that whiney, spineless, mess of a little girl."

"Whatever you say."

Elliot grabbed her patients chart as she walked off down the hallway.

Carla stepped toward Dr. Cox.

"You're not fooling anyone. You actually like Bambi."

"No, I don't"

"Yes you do. If you didn't care then you wouldn't be putting so much effort into continuously torturing him."

"I do it for fun, mostly. And I get an odd warm and fuzzy feeling from his misery."

"Bullshit."

"No, it's true. It really is."

"Whether you admit or not, I know that you care about J.D. and what he thinks of you. It's killing you that he can just remove himself from you so easily. I know you and I know J.D. Neither one of you has been happy the past four months. Just apologize to him."

"You're right Carla. It is killing me and to tell you the truth I love the kid."

"Really?"

"No, but I really do care about him."

"Seriously?"

"No."

"I hate you."

"Yeah. I get that a lot."

"I know that the kid he was having problems with got admitted again this morning. I'm sure that if you help him out he will be your little shadow again."

* * *

Dr. Cox walked into the on call room to find J.D. lying face down on one of the beds.

"Hey, Joanna. I here that you are in _de-esperate_ need of some help convincing that obese child and his father that they need a lifestyle change."

J.D. lifted his head up off the pillow, looking at Dr. Cox with red, puffy, pitiful eyes. He sat up slowly as Dr. Cox peered, puzzled, down at him.

"Wow. You really are an ass." J.D. said as he stormed past Dr. Cox.

"Wait. What did I do?"

J.D. didn't look back as continued to make his way down the hall. At that moment Elliot came around the corner. J.D. bumped into her, both falling to the ground. After a mumbled apology J.D. quickly scrambled to his feet and continued on his way. Elliot looked up to find Dr. Cox standing by the on call room with a bewildered look on his face. She made her way over to him.

"What did you do? You big jerk"

"I have no idea. I only offered to help with his obese pediatrics patient, and Sally flipped her lid."

"That's because that kid was brought in having slipped into a diabetic come, he then went into cardiac arrest. The kid died twenty minutes ago."

"Oh."

"Let me guess. You didn't just offer to help him, did you? You probably had to mock him in the process, didn't you?"

"Maybe."

"You've done some pretty awful things to him before, but I never thought that even you would that big of an ass. J.D. is going through a really tough time right now."

Elliot turned and walked away. Once again Dr. Cox was left standing alone with only his thoughts and his guilt to keep him company.

* * *

Dr. Cox stood outside the Alibi bar. It was one in the morning and he was in dire need of a drink. This was the one bar in town that he wouldn't run into anyone he knew. It was conveniently located on a dirty street that had very little, if any traffic. The only buildings around it were abandoned and condemned. This was the perfect place to come to if you were looking to disappear and get away from it all.

He looked down the street in both directions. A bum laid passed out on a grungy blanket half way down the street and a little further on there was a lady, who Dr. Cox was almost positive was a prostitute, walking. Other then that he saw no one. He made his way in through the heavy door. Without even looking around he made way to the bar. After grunting out a greeting to the bartender, he said in a low, gravely tone, "Scotch."

He then proceeded to stare at mirror behind the bar. He sat starring at his pathetic reflection for the next half hour, sipping his scotch and throwing back a shot or two. There was a sudden commotion at the other end of the bar. He looked up to see none other then J. D. arguing with the bartender. Dr. Cox stood, making his way unsteadily toward the two.

"Sir, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to cut you off."

"Doya have any idea who I yam. I'm a friggin doctor!" J.D. slurred out.

"Newbie?"

"Oh would ya lookie here. If it isn't the magnificend Dr. Cox. Everyone bow down to him and all his might." J.D. tried to bow but he ended up stumbling forward onto a table. Dr. Cox took a step forward in an attempt to help him up. He laid his hand onto J.D.'s shoulder. J.D. quickly shrugged it off pulling upright, looking right into Dr. Cox's eyes.

"You don't get to touch me. I came to you needing help and all you could was make fun of me. Then after I was finished following you around you continued to be a giant jackass. Finally after my patient dies you come in and rub it in."

"Newbie, I had no idea that the kid had died. I was seriously coming to apologize. I genuinely wanted to help."

"You just can't stop, can you? You have a real problem you know."

"You are so wrapped up in yourself and your emotions that you don't even realize what's going on with those around you."

"Ha! You say I'm the one wrapped up in myself; you couldn't even take five minutes to help me! You are a sad, narcissistic, miserable person."

"Maybe if you had you had tried to truly reach out to that kid then things would have gone differently."

"Don't you dare say that! It was just as much your fault as it was mine."

"I wasn't his doctor now was I. You are a resident now you need to be able to stand on your own two feet. If you still have to rely on me then maybe you weren't cut out to be a doctor."

"I don't need to take this shit from you anymore. You are not my superior. I hate you." J.D. spit out the final three words with such ferocity Dr. Cox actually stumbled back a few steps. J.D. made his way toward the door. Dr. Cox stood silently for a few seconds, the vicious words still stinging.

"Newbie? Wait, I didn't mean it!"

J.D. stopped dead in tracks, turning around so swiftly his face almost met the floor.

"It's a little too late. You have gone too far too many times. There's no taking it back. All of this is your fault!"

With a final crushing glare J.D. threw open the door and stepped out into the harsh night.

"Newbie?"

Dr. Cox stood motionless for a few seconds before making his own way to the door.

"Sir? You need to pay for you and your friend."

"Fine." Dr. Cox reached into his back pocket pulling out several crumpled up hundreds he had shoved in there before leaving home. He slammed them down on the Bar. "Keep the change."

He ran out the door, looking around wildly for a clue as to where J.D. had gone. He couldn't see him anywhere.

"Dammit!" Dr. Cox cursed loudly, voice filled with rage. He was so pissed at how had handled the situation. J.D. didn't deserve that especially not in his current condition. Dr. Cox began to walk back toward the bus stop when a scream that sounded a lot like J.D.'s erupted from the alley, making his blood run cold. He tore off in the direction from the scream had come. What he found made his heart stop. J.D. has pinned against the wall, blood coming from a cut on his cheek, nose bleeding, lip split, knife to his throat. On the other end of the knife there was a large bald man with a tattoo of a scorpion on his neck. Behind him there were two others. One wearing a leather jacket and ski mask, knife clutched tightly in his right hand. The other had a scar that curved from above his left eye down to his jaw. Dr. Cox noticed the gun that this third man was casually pointing at J.D.

Dr. Cox felt a scream tear from his body as he watched Tattoo Guy jam the knife viciously into J.D.'s side. The three men all looked up at him. Leather Jacket took several steps forward, knife raised. Dr. Cox balled his fist and swung maliciously, knuckles connecting with jaw. Leather Jacket went down. Dr. Cox took a step toward J.D. and the other two men. The blood was pounding in his ears, his head light, thoughts clouded. He noticed an odd pressure in his chest. Looking down he was astonished to find a knife handle sticking out of the left side of his chest. Leather Jacket was back on his feet. He threw a hard left hook knocking Dr. Cox to the ground.

Leather Jacket put a foot directly on Dr. Cox's sternum, reaching down he yanked the knife out. The pain finally hitting him he let out a bloodcurdling scream. Turning over on his stomach he began to crawl toward J.D. who appeared to be sobbing. He felt a sudden jolt in his side as Leather Jacket began kicking his ribs. All he could was lie helplessly on the ground as he watched Tattoo face stab J.D. over and over and over again. Scar Face was waving the gun about wildly. Focusing it on J.D. then on Dr. Cox, once again moving it toward J.D.

Dr. Cox began to notice the fuzziness on the edge of his vision, Leather face still going at his side. His breathing was fast and uneven. He was beginning to lose grip on what was happening. Everything seemed foggy. He suddenly noticed that Leather Jacket had stopped. He could hear the men talking, but he couldn't make out what they were saying. He could also hear his own ragged breathing and the soft whimpers coming from J.D. The sound he heard next would be one that would haunt his dreams for years to come. A single gunshot. He looked up to see the men running. He glanced at J.D. just in time to see him sliding down the wall, bloody, eyes wide with pain and terror.

"J.D…" He was suddenly overwhelmed as the fuzziness turned into full on darkness.

* * *

Right. So there that was! All I can hope for is that you got some sort of enjoyment from that. Please review. I am open to all reviews. Was there something that was good? Was there something that sucked? Was there something that could have been improved upon? Got any ideas? Let me know! ;) 


	2. My Ride

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Scrubs is not mine, no matter how much I want it… This entire thing is for my own enjoyment.

To clear up any confusion – Set in the sixth season with many differences. Jordan never came back, so there is no Jack or little J.D. because that is just too messy to try and clean up in this slash fic. Kim really did miscarry and is still in Tacoma. Elliot and Keith are getting married and NO, SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING STUPID WITH J.D.!!! Oh, and you may have noticed that J.D. still lives in his tent.

**XAngst-PrincessX – **Wow! Thank you so much for the _outstanding_ review! It means so much to me that you like it enough to gush over like that!

**snow887 - **Haha! I was kind of worried about how true I was staying to Cox in some parts, so thanks for your kind words. looks over shoulder, sees snow887 staring at me, types update furiously

**Vegela – **Thank you for the wonderful review! It really means a lot.

**SpArKyCoLa77 - **Don't worry! I'm planning on finishing this story! I am also planning on making a sequel, but you will have to wait to learn more about that...

Now on with the story…

* * *

Leather Jacket loved the feeling of power he got from kicking in this poor saps side. Adrenaline coursing through his body, providing the strength behind each swift blow. The three men had come out in the cold evening looking for easy money and cheap thrills, what better way then to smash up a couple of drunken slobs.

He was so intent on the fun he was having bashing his foot into Dr. Cox, that he didn't even notice Scarface waving his gun through the air. He did suddenly become aware when Scarface began to scream at the other two.

"Let me shot them!"

Leather Jacket stopped what he was doing, stepping away from Dr. Cox and toward Scarface.

"No. That would call to much attention. The people in that bar are drunk, not stupid."

Tattoo Guy stopped punching J.D. in the stomach. Still using one of his giant arms to pin J.D. to the wall, he turned to face the other to men.

"We stick with the plan. We finish messin' these guys up so bad that they'll never be able to tell anyone what happened, then we take their money and run. That's it. No guns. I only let you bring it because it looks scary and you wouldn't shut up about it."

"Oh, so you let me bring it. I don't remember asking you if I could."

"Just stick with the plan. No guns."

"You don't get to tell me what to do anymore. I am only making this whole thing go faster."

He raised the gun so it was pointing directly at J.D.'s forehead. He began to gently squeeze the trigger when Leather Jacket leapt forward, arms outstretched. He grabbed Scarface's arm forcing it down. The gunshot echoed down the alleyway.

"What did you do?" Tattoo Guy cried out. "We have to go."

The three men went racing out of the alleyway, leaving Dr. Cox and J.D. lying on the ground, beaten, battered, and bleeding.

* * *

A low moan passed over Dr. Cox's lips as he began to regain consciousness. The first thing he noticed was the intense pain spreading from his chest all the way down his left side. He then noticed that his left hand was lying in some sort of warm, sticky liquid. Opening his eyes, he was greeted by the sight of J.D. lying on the ground a few feet from him. His nostrils were suddenly attacked by the putrid smell of blood.

He placed his hands firmly on the unforgiving concrete, pushing himself up onto his hands and knees. The pain hit so hard his entire mind seemed to shut down. He couldn't think, couldn't move, couldn't breathe. In that second it seemed as though he had become disconnected from his body. It was a soft cough that brought him back down to earth. His head snapped up, focusing on the source of the cough.

"Newbie?"

J.D. stirred slightly at the familiar nickname. Dr. Cox used all his strength to crawl toward pale form. His right hand suddenly slipped out from under him, which sent him crashing into the ground, He lifted his hand to find it covered in blood. J.D.'s blood.

J.D. was lying on his stomach in a puddle blood. Dr. Cox placed one hand on J.D.'s right shoulder, the other hand slipping onto J.D.'s right hip. He gently rolled J.D. toward him. Once J.D. was on his back, Dr. Cox was horrified at what lay before him. There was so much blood on J.D.'s chest, abdomen, and right leg that there was know way of telling where it was all coming from.

Dr. Cox reached into his pocket, pulling out his cell phone. It came out in two different pieces. Leather Jacket must of kicked it at some point.

"Dammit!' Standing on his knees Dr. Cox threw his phone at the wall as hard as could. Crumpling to the ground he shrieked out in pain. Fire swept through his left side as he hugged it tightly. The pain once again taking control. It was J.D. that snapped him back, letting out a low groan. Dr. Cox opened his eyes, studying J.D.'s innocent face. There several bruises that were beginning to appear across his boyish features. Dr. Cox felt rage like he had never felt before take control of his body. His pain suddenly no longer mattered. He had only one purpose at the moment. J.D.'s life.

The rage was accompanied by an odd strength. He scooped J.D. up with little effort, making his way toward the empty street. The street was so unused that Dr. Cox didn't even bother to look before steeping down off the curb. He was about halfway across the street when his ears were assaulted by the unbearable sound of a car horn blaring. He looked up to find himself being blinded by a set of headlights. He was frozen to the spot. There was a sudden squealing of tires, the smell of rubber rising off the road. With even thinking Dr. Cox walked around the side of the car, throwing open one of the back doors. Without paying any heed to the drivers objections Dr. Cox slid J.D. and himself into the backseat.

"Sacred Heart Hospital."

The driver sat in dazed silence, staring at the two men now in his backseat. Both covered in blood, one of them appeared to be unconscious, if not dead. The other was glaring at him with wild eyes and wild curls. Dr. Cox's booming voice once again filled the car.

"Sacred Heart Hospital. Drive. NOW!"

The sound of squealing tires once again filled the night air as the driver tore off down the street in the direction of Sacred Heart Hospital.

J.D.'s head was resting in Dr. Cox's lap. Dr. Cox was studying it intently, looking for any sign of consciousness, when another groan came out.

"Newbie? Wake up."

J.D.'s face scrunched up in pain. His lips parting slightly. Dr. Cox leaned forward jut in time to hear a singal word tumbled out of J.D.'s mouth, "Perry…"

"Yeah, Newbie. It's alright. I'm here. Just hold on."

"Perry?"

"What is it, Newbie?"

"Help…" J.D. once again slipped into a realm of unconsciousness. Dr. Cox's jaw line was set hard in worry. His eyes filled with rage. His heart beating quickly in fear. He looked up toward the driver.

"You better drive faster, or I swear to you I will rip your fucking foot off and shove it so far up your ass you will need to get treatment for athlete's foot on your brain."

Dr. Cox was thrown lightly against the backseat as the driver pressed the accelerator down as far as it would go.

* * *

"Baby, I'm kinda worried about J.D."

"Bambi? Why?"

Carla and Turk had just both gotten off their shifts. They were walking hand in hand down the hallway. Carla's head was resting against Turk's shoulder.

"You know J.D. He tends to let things hit him hard emotionally. I just think he will let that kid dying get to him too much."

"I do know J.D. and you're right, he can be a bit vulnerable emotionally,_ but_ you know J.D. too. Even though he lets all the emotional stuff in he is always pretty quick to bounce back. Just give him a few days to sort through everything. Bambi can deal with these types of things all on his own."

"You are completely and totally right, baby. That's why I love you, you always seem to know whats goin down. I'm sure J.D. will come bounding on in here just fine!"

They had reached the automatic door when Carla suddenly stopped dead in her tracks.

"What's wrong, baby?" Turk said as he looked over at his wife. She was staring straight ahead of her, face twisted in an expression of horror. Turk looked up to see the most terrifying thing he had ever seen. Dr. Cox was standing before, blood covering his grey t-shirt. In is arms laid Turk's best friend, pale and lifeless.

Carla stepped toward the two.

"Dr. Cox? What happened?"

Dr. Cox walked right past Carla as though she wasn't even there, his searching the hallway desperately.

"I NEED A GURNEY! NOW!"

His boomed throughout the halls of the hospital, laced with too many emotions to count. Within seconds there was a gurney, several doctors, and a swarm of nurses around him. He suddenly noticed someone trying to gently pull J.D. out of his arms.

"BACK OFF!"

Whoever had been trying stopped and back away, the gurney suddenly placed before Dr. Cox. He took the greatest care in placing J.D. down, easing onto the gurney trying to prevent causing further damage and pain. Before he had a chance to step back, J.D. was rushed away. He attempted to follow but he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. He spun around quickly, wanting to face whoever had the nerve to stop him. He looked down into Carla's tear streaked face. Behind her stood a shell shocked Turk, eyes glazed over, face expressionless.

"I have to follow him."

"Perry, you're hurt." Kelso says, stepping out from the place in the corner he had been standing in since Dr. Cox walked in holding J.D.

"What did you call me?" Dr. Cox said taking an angry stride toward the older man.

"Perry."

"You don't get to call me that! Only he does," Dr. Cox thrust his arm in the direction, in which they had taken J.D., "and now if you'll excuse I must go. He needs me."

Carla once again took a step toward him.

"Dr. Cox? You're bleeding. I need to take a look at that—"

"No!" He slammed his fist down viciously onto the counter beside him, "I have to go. Don't you guys understand? This is all my fault and now I need to try and fix…"

A strange feeling washed over Dr. Cox as the pain returned. An odd pressure began to build in his chest. Air suddenly seemed to be out of his reach. He began to gasp, trying to drag in any oxygen he could get his hands on. His head started to pound. The pounding was quickly replaced by a feeling of emptiness. The room around him began to spin, his mind feeling like it was once again floating away. He reached out finding the counter again. He gripped as best he could, trying to find a way to stay upright.

"Dr. Cox?"

He tried as hard as he could to fight it, but his knees suddenly buckled. As he sank to the cold floor he could hear the frantic screams erupting from Carla, then there was nothing.

* * *

I hope this chapter was up to snuff! The first part kicked my butt a bit, but I am amazed at how easy this story is to write. Ideas just won't stop flooding my head! Please leave a review and let me know what on your mind!

Don't worry, be happy.

Listen to what I say.

In life expect some trouble, when you worry you make it double.

Don't worry, be happy now.

--Bobby McFerrin, Don't worry, Be happy


	3. My Story

Disclaimer: If I owned Scrubs J.D. would be pretty beat up (maybe tortured a few times, a gunshot or two, throw in the occasional car wreck.) Plus, he and Cox would have hooked up by now. Since neither one of those happens on Scrubs I think it may be obvious that I don't own it. This is written for my own enjoyment, no infringement intended.

**Psychotic KAT – **Thanks for the wonderful review!

**SpArKyCoLa77 – **Another phenomenal review. Thank you sooooo much!

**Snow887 – **It always bugs me when it isn't explained how people get to the hospital. A lot can happen in the time it takes to get to a hospital! Also a huge part of this story is Dr. Cox being the "hero" and his reaction and the issues that it brings up for him.

**XAngst-PrincessX – **Thanks! Cox is in a situation where he is running on pure emotion. He's do what it takes for him to "fix" things.

Thanks so much to my wonderful reviewers! Your reviews are like a lovely little drug that I can't get enough of. If I have to go to rehab to break myself off of your reviews I'm sending you guys the bill! 

This chapter moves a bit slower some the other two so I hope it isn't to horribly boring! When we last saw him Cox wasn't feeling so good. Let's see what happens next…

* * *

He woke with a sudden start, his thoughts jumping immediately to J.D. The memories of the evening were still fresh in his mind. He could still hear J.D.'s scream echoing through his head, the smell of blood lingering in his nostrils. His eyes shot open drinking in his surroundings, piecing together what must have happened since he had arrived at the hospital. He was in one of the rooms, the pale white walls, and drab curtains intensifying the sorrow in his heart.

He could feel a tight bandage wrapped around his sore ribs, no doubt in his mind that several were probably broken, the rest bruised. He began to notice his throbbing left shoulder, his arm resting in a sling. The image of the knife sticking out of his chest hit him hard. His right shot up to touch the wound, but half way up something gave it a sharp tug. He looked down seeing the IV. Without hesitation he ripped it out, a small bubble of blood taking the place of the needle. Seeing the blood his thoughts went racing back to J.D.

Dr. Cox bolted out of bed, ripping off wires and monitors as he went. The machine behind him began to give off a sharp, flat tone, as he pulled the pulse ox off his finger. His bare feet touched the cold floor as Carla came running through the door, eyes frantic, face full of terror. She was followed by several other nurses and doctors, all prepared for the worst. Dr. Cox turned to face them. Carla quickly went from terrified to very pissed off.

"Dr. Cox! What and the hell do you think you're doing? Get your ass back in bed right now!"

The others, hearing the tone of Carla's voice, hightailed it out of the room before things got ugly.

Without blinking Dr. Cox asked, "Where's Newbie?"

"You need to get back in bed. You are in no shape to be on your feet."

"Where's Newbie?"

"Dr. Cox. You have to get back in bed. You are seriously injured."

"Tell me where Newbie is."

"I will, but only after you get settled back in bed."

"No. Tell me now."

"Dr. Cox. I am giving you one last chance. Get back in bed or I'll call in some people who will make you."

"I have to see him. I have to know that he's alright."

"First, we have to make sure that you're alright."

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not. We almost lost you for a little bit. We thought that the knife had nicked you're heart and when you threw your little tantrum downstairs you put pressure on one of your broken ribs causing it to slip and puncture your lung."

At that moment Turk and Elliot came racing through the doorway.

"We heard some one say something about Dr. Cox crashing. Is he okay?" Elliot exclaimed, quickly and sounding quite out of breath.

"Yes. He just freaked out and pulled off his pulse ox when he woke up." Carla explained.

"How long?" Dr. Cox asked in a gruff tone.

"How long what?"

"How long have I been out?"

"About four hours or so."

"What?" Dr. Cox looked at her in disbelief. How could he have left J.D. only God knows where in only God knows what condition for so long? "Where is he, Carla?"

"He's still in surgery."

"Can I see him?"

"No! Who in there right mind would even think of letting you do that right now?"

"Please. I have to see that he alive. I have to see that I can still fix this."

"Fix what? Dr. Cox, What happened to you guys?"

She spoke gently, cautious steps taking her toward him. Once by his side, she placed a soothing hand on the small of his back, leading him safely back to his bed. He sat down heavily letting his weight plummet onto the uncomfortable mattress. Carla sat in the small chair next to his bed. He watched with sad eyes as Turk fell in behind her, placing reassuring hands on her shoulders. Dr. Cox wasn't sure which of the two needed the reassuring; both looked scared, worried, and horribly sad, praying that things would work out for the best for their best friend. Elliot grabbed a chair that was sitting idly against the wall.

They looked up at him, bracing themselves for what he was about to say.

"I don't really know what happened out there. I mean, I remember what happened before I passed out and I remember what happened after I woke up, but I don't know why it happened. I can't give an explanation as to the reason behind it all."

"Just tell us what all you remember."

"I went to the bar looking to sedate myself with alcohol, but your buddy beat me to it. When I noticed him he was pretty smashed and the bartender was trying to cut him off. I went to apologize to Newbie, but I somehow ended up arguing with him, calling him names and just being a jerk. He left so I decided to go after him. I couldn't find him, but then I heard a scream come from the alleyway. When I got there I saw three men hold Newbie at knifepoint and gunpoint, too. One of them stabbed him. I think I may have screamed because they all looked over at me. One came running at me. It kind of gets fuzzy there, everything happened so fast, but I think I got in a pretty solid punch because he fell backward. The next thing I know I'm staring down at the knife in my chest. I didn't even feel the pain at first. Time sort of seemed to slow down. It felt like I stood there forever, just staring down at it. Then it was like someone hit fast forward, because before I could register what happened I was on the ground and someone just kept kicking me in the ribs. All I can do is lay there on the ground watching that guy stab Newbie. He just wouldn't stop…"

Dr. Cox turned his face away from them at that point, trying to hide the sudden flash of emotion sparked by that last memory. Once he regained his look of indifference he turned back to them, continuing on to the worst part of the story.

"I soon noticed myself losing consciousness. Just before I passed out the guy stopped kicking my ribs in. I could hear the men talking, their voices were angry, but I was too far gone to make any of what they were saying. However, I could hear…"

Dr. Cox's voice caught in his throat, his eyes darting to the floor.

"Hear what?"

"Newbie." Dr. Cox fought hard to shove his emotions as far down as far as they would go. This was no time to bare his soul, especially not to these three. "He was making some sort of pathetic whining sound." He spit it out with what sounded like disdain to the three before him, but was in actuality his odd brand of grief.

"Anyway, that's when I passed out, but not before I heard that gunshot."

He was glad, for once, that they were staring intently at his face, hanging on to his every word, none of them noticing the slight tremble that ran through his hand at this last relay of information.

"When I came to the three guys were gone. I have no idea how long I was out for, but it was long enough. Newbie was pretty well out of it, coughing and moaning a bit, but not really responding to me much. I tried my phone, but I think that guy may have kicked it, cause it was beyond useless. I don't even remember thinking about my options; I just picked up Newbie and went. I ran out into the road, almost got hit by some idiot. I got in the backseat and I had him drive us here. That's it."

"Wow. Do you remember what those three guys looked like? I'm sure the police will be by soon to talk to you."

"Trust me, Carla. Those aren't faces I'm going to be forgetting anytime soon. And I'm sure Newbie will be able to give an accurate description, he was a bit more up and close and personal."

His eyes darted between the three faces as they exchanged worried glances.

"What?"

"J.D. was pretty bad when you brought him in. He has lost a lot of blood and with all his injuries there's no telling what kind of internal damage has been done. None of us want to think about it, but there is a huge possibility that he may not make it out of this one. We don't even know how bad he is yet."

"I have to see him"

Dr. Cox bounded out off the bed making several quick steps toward the door. Before he got there, however, Turk had beat him to it. Turk was now standing in the doorway, arms spread, hands hold tightly onto the frame.

"You better move it, Gandhi, or that big bald head of yours is gonna look nice sitting on my mantle." Dr. Cox let out in a low threatening growl.

"I can't let you pass Dr. Cox. You need to rest."

"C'mon, Dr. Cox." Carla said from her still seated position. "You can see Bambi when he's out of surgery."

"You said it yourself Carla, he may not make it out. I have to see him now. I will never be able to handle it if I just left him there alone. I have to."

"What will it take for me convince you to lie down."

"Nothing, unless you can get Newbie standing before me, perfectly fine."

"You are too weak to go see him. You must already be drained and seeing him like that is only going to make it worse."

"Being trapped in here with you three, just twiddling my thumbs is what's gonna make it worse. Please. I just need to see him."

"Carla, he's right. I mean what if J.D. doesn't make it. Will you ever be able to forgive yourself if you pass on what could be your last opportunity? I can't speak for Turk, but I know that wouldn't."

"Elliot's right, baby. I want to see him."

"Fine, but Dr. Cox I can't let you walk up there. You guys stay here while I go get a wheelchair."

Turk relinquished his position at the door as she passed; he quickly fell back into placed once she was through, though.

"Oh come on Gandhi. Like I would really try and latently ignore a direct order from your wife, I mean come on, she's scary."

"Yeah. I know what your sayin man. Holla."

"Right… Holler."

Apparently satisfied by Dr. Cox's admission that he was afraid of Carla he took a step away from the door, leaving plenty of room for Dr. Cox to take several long strides right out the door.

"Dr. Cox?"

Elliot made her way out the door followed closely by Turk. They came flying out into an empty hallway. The only other person they saw was the janitor, standing ominously close to Dr. Cox's room.

"Which way did he go, Janitor?"

"Which way did who go?"

"You know who. The only person that ran out of this room and down the hallway."

"Are you sure that he came out of this doorway?"

"Yes!"

"Well I have no clear recollection of anyone running out of this particular doorway."

"What's going on here? Why are you two standing out here?"

The three hospital employee's looked up to find Carla standing before them, wheelchair ready for Dr. Cox.

"Baby, don't get mad, but he got away."

"What do mean he got away?"

"I mean he got out the door and down the hallway before I could catch him."

"So you're telling me that you were out run by a man ten years older then you, who might I add, just got stab and had to have one of his lungs reinflated?"

"Yes…"

"Turk!"

"But, baby, he started talking and I got confused and he made it out the door,"

"Oh, so you were just outsmarted by a man that is probably so hopped up on painkillers that he's seeing unicorns, leprechauns, and God knows what else."

"Yeah."

"Figures. Well come on. We have to find him. If I had two guesses I'd use both to say he's in the OR looking for Bambi."

* * *

A few minutes later Elliot, Turk, and Carla stepped of the elevator onto the surgical floor, wheelchair in tow. They were walking down the hallway when Turk suddenly stopped next to OR 3.

"Baby, I think I found him."

The three peered in to the observation room of OR 3. There stood Dr. Cox, looking pale, eyes transfixed on what lay before his eyes. Carla stepped forward, carefully opening the door and entering the small room. She moved slowly and spoke softly doing her best to try not to startle Dr. Cox.

"Dr. Cox?"

She studied his face, looking for any indication as to what was going on in his mind. His face was blank, eyes glazed over.

"Dr. Cox, are you okay?"

Failing once again to answer her, Dr. Cox slowly raised his right hand. He placed his palm against the cool glass. Leaning forward he placed his forehead against the glass, closing his eyes. Had Carla not known better she would of swore that she saw a single tear run down the man's face.

"Dr. Cox? Why don't you take a seat."

"He's not gonna make it Carla."

"Don't say that. Bambi's strong and you know it."

"There is no way that you can look in there and tell me that he is going to be fine."

Carla's eyes wandered to the observation window. Even though she had seen numerous surgeries she was taken a back by what she saw. J.D. was lying on the operating table, the palest she had ever seen him. The front of the surgeon's smock was covered in blood, his hands buried in J.D.'s side. There were tubes and wires poked into all over, the ventilator being the scariest. Nothing new to the seasoned nurse, but the image of it coming out from her Bambi was too hard to take. She turned around, finding Turk standing behind her. His face contorted in worry. Elliot stood next him, tears streaming down her face, mascara tracks bold and evident. Carla buried herself in Turk's chest.

"I told you. He is going to die and there isn't anything we can do about, in fact all of this is my fault. I killed him."

They looked up, puzzled by Dr. Cox's monotonous words. Elliot took a step forward, handing coming up and slapping Dr. Cox hard across the face.

"Elliot!" Carla's shrill tone making Turk jump slightly.

Dr. Cox didn't even seem to register the stinging pain in his cheek. His eyes were focused on J.D.'s limp form. He was filled to the brim with emotion, barely hanging on, not knowing what to do know.

"I killed him. I could of stopped this all a long time ago, if I hadn't been such a—"

Elliot landed another solid slap on his cheek. This one stuck. His eyes suddenly focused, no longer glazed over. Face conveying shock. Elliot grabbed his face in her hands, forcing him to look directly at her.

"Don't you even think for a second that J.D. is going to die. He is so much stronger then what you give him credit for. He is going to fight and he is going to make. We all need him too much for him to die, even you need him. None of this was your fault. It was the fault of those three men and those three men only."

Elliot let go of face, stepping back quickly as she realized what she had just done. There was a slight bit of fear in her eyes as Dr. Cox opened his mouth. She quickly braced herself for the torture sure to come.

"You're right. I do need him."

He said it so quietly that the three had to lean in to hear him. Sadness filled his voice, quickly doing the same to his face and eyes. He turned back to watch his Newbie fight for the life that J.D. more then anyone deserved. The others, not sure how to react to Dr. Cox's uncharacteristic response, turned to watch J.D. as well. They stood there, silently for a good half-hour before they heard it. The shrill sound of J.D. flat lining. They watched as the surgeon shocked him once… twice… three times.

Dr. Cox couldn't believe what was happening. He stood rooted to the spot, mind whirling so fast, he could only grab segments of thoughts and emotions, none of them pleasant. He pressed himself up against the glass, wanting to be as close to J.D. as he could physically get. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see them shocking J.D. again. His ears were ringing from the sound of the heart monitor. Perry Cox did something he never thought he would be able to do; he said a quick prayer. He then went back to concentrating on the sounds coming from the other room. That's when he noticed something. The tiny blip of J.D.'s heart trying to beat by itself.

* * *

There you have it. I wasn't too happy with this chapter. It fought me a bit in the end and I feel as though it's rushed. I probably could have used better word choice and sentence structure to make it flow better, but it was kicking my butt. Let me know what you think.

Now I'm calling back for you I figured out I'm missing you  
You're nowhere to be found oh I've asked and looked around  
Seems you found a better fish I must confess I had a wish  
To love you all along  
But you're fighting for my love  
Fighting for my love

--Nal Lara, Fighting For My Love


	4. My Coward

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough, I own nothing. Absolutly nothing.

**ForgottenFairytale - **Thanks for the review!

**psychotic KAT - **We will just have to wait and see...

**SpArKyCoLa77 -** Thank you so much. I love your reviews!

**EnigmaRose - **I love that song too! Thanks for the correction. I hadn't even noticed!

**snow887 - **I really enjoyed writing the part where Elliot knocked some sense into Perry!

**XAngst-PrincessX - **Thank you for the review.

I know that I haven't updated for a while and I'm sorry! I just got so busy. I had driver's ed, helping my grandma move, looking for a job, and all sorts of fun stuff like that. I have been writing bits anf pieces of this chapter in a notebook, but this was the first chance I had to get it typed and on the site. For those of you who liked the emotional Perry from the last chapter should be satisfied with this one! Enjoy!

* * *

"Come on, Newbie. You can do it. I didn't drag your ass here so you could die. Get that fucking heart beating."

J.D.'s heart had beat pretty weakly for a few minutes before giving out again. Dr. Cox watched in despair, as they tried one final time to get it beating by itself. They placed the paddles on his chest, J.D.'s body bouncing slightly as the electricity passed through him. Everyone's eyes shifted to the heart monitor, the line upon it was unfaltering in its straight path, the droning noise staying true.

"DAMMIT! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! YOU GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!"

Turk, Carla, and Elliot stood in shock as they watched Dr. Cox explode. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, words laced with bitter anger and deep pain. His right fist slammed heavily against the wall, producing a thunderous thud. Elliot jumped slightly, Carla flinched back, Turk stood motionless. Dr. Cox leaned heavily against the wall, sliding slowly to the floor. His hand made its way up the wall, groping about for the button. The button that would take away the sound of J.D.'s failing heart. Finding it, he pushed it in, allowing silence to wash over the room. The sound of his ragged breathing consuming the room.

"Dammit, J.D. I need you to come back to me again."

Carla turned away from the sight of the broken doctor on the floor, once again facing her broken friend on the operating table. She was astonished to find the surgeons working on a very alive J.D. Her eyes flickered toward the heart monitor, delight spreading through her when she saw the solid heart beat.

"Hey guys!"

No one paid any attention to Carla's chipper voice. Both Elliot and Turk's eyes were focused on Dr. Cox's strong body slumped weakly against the wall, looking defeated and lonely.

"Guys! Look at J.D."

This caught the attention of Dr. Cox. Anger swelled deep in his chest. What more do they want from him? This was already his fault. He knew that.

"I'm so sorry if I don't want to stand and gawk at Newbie's dead body!"

"No, you don't understand. J.D. is going to be okay. You just need to look at him."

Dr. Cox quickly stood up, the anger becoming evident on his face.

"How dare you say that! His heart isn't beating! I may just be a highly skilled doctor but to me that seems to be the type of thing that is good—"

A look of bewilderment was shining across his face, as he took in the scene unfolding before him. With trembling fingers he let go of the button, allowing the sound of J.D.'s heart monitor wash over him. It was one of the most wonderful sounds to pass through his ears in a long time. J.D.'s heart was defiantly going strong.

The four friends stood there for what seemed like hours, but were only about forty-five minutes. Just standing and watching as the surgeons prepared to finish their work on J.D. All of their eyes became glued to Dr. Wen as he closed. Stepping away from the table and toward the door, he stripped off his bloody gloves. Everyone in the observation room turned toward the seasoned surgeon, anticipating unfavorable news. Turk had his arms wrapped lovingly around his wife's waist. Carla had her hand placed supportively on Elliot's shoulder. Dr. Cox stood a step or two behind them, eyes transfixed on the blood that covered Dr. Wen's scrubs. He snapped his eyes shut, desperately trying to hold the memories at bay. Images flashed in his mind. All he could think of was the blood. Suddenly all the air in the room seemed to escape him.

A slight pressure on his hand caused him to slowly open his eyes. He found Elliot's hand gripping his. Slowly lifting his head, his eyes settled on the soft look upon her face. The face that told him it was okay to be afraid. She nodded, tugging on his hand. He took a long stride forward, falling in beside the others.

Carla's soft voice broke through the silence, establishing her as the spokesperson for the group.

"Dr. Wen? How is he?"

"I wish that I could stand here and tell you that he is going to be perfectly fine in a few days, but that is not the case. I mean you guys have seen him, and countless others like him. You guys know the drill. At this point it could still go either way. Now, I don't know the details surrounding what happened to him, and I'm not really sure if I want to but there was some significant internal damage. The worst of the stab wounds were two that landed one his left side, just below the ribs. His spleen was severely mangled and had to be removed. Another stab wound punctured his left lung. We were able to reinflate it without any complications. We did however run into some problems when we went to fix a nick in his liver. We lost him for a while, but he did come back with a steady, strong heartbeat. His body had just gone through too much. I did the best I could with his liver in the small amount of time I had. It should heal up just fine, but it will need to be monitored closely."

"He also sustained a single gunshot wound to his upper right thigh. The bullet has lodged itself in his femur. He will need surgery to remove the bullet and some bone fragments. As I mentioned before, his body has been through a lot of stress and can't handle the surgery right now. He also sustained many other scrapes and bruises, some of which required stitches. My main concern is the possibility of infection. He will need to be put on broad spectrum antibiotics."

"How full of a recovery will he make?"

"You guys know as well as I do that there is no way to predict a definite answer to that question. I can say for sure that he will require extensive physical therapy for his leg. The other injuries aren't debilitating but they will be painful, and could take some time to heal completely. The recovery process will be a long and hard one, and a large part of the recovery process is how willing he is. We won't know how hard he is going to be willing to push himself until he wakes up."

"How long do you think it will be before he wakes up?" The hope on Dr. Cox's voice escaping no one.

"With the trauma and the blood loss? It's hard to say. He could wake in a few hours when the anesthesia wears off, or a month from now. You know how unpredictable these types of things are."

"Oh, right…" His voice sounded defeated and hollow. Carla looked up into his pained face, heartbroken by what she saw.

Dr. Wen nodded toward them conveying how sorry he was that there wasn't much else he could do. He didn't know J.D. on a personal level, but he had seen him around the hospital, cracking jokes and staring off into space. The few times he had talked to the kid he'd seemed nice and from what he had heard, J.D. was a competent young doctor with a promising future. He then turned away and started toward the on call room, wanting to clean up, and change out of his bloodied scrubs.

"Dr. Wen? When will we be able to see him?"

"You guys could probably head toward recovery now. Once they get him settled in, you will most likely be able to see him one at a time."

"Thanks."

"Yeah. I really hope he makes it."

* * *

Nurse Roberts stood somberly before the four, just outside of J.D.'s room.

"All of you guys can go on in and see him now. I know it's against hospital policy but, you shouldn't expect anyone giving you any trouble. I talked to all of the nurses and doctors, they understand. I also threatened Kelso to leave you guys alone. He still owes me for eating my face cake."

"Thank you so much, Laverne." Elliot remarked, a grateful look in her eyes.

"No problem, Marshmallow."

Wanting to give them privacy, Laverne left the area. After receiving threatening looks from her, all others bystanders quickly followed suit, until the hallway was empty.

Turk, Carla, and Elliot stepped quietly into the room. Dr. Cox didn't make a move. From where he was standing and with the blinds closed in the window, all he could see was the foot of the bed. Even that was threatening to push his emotions overboard. He had already let too much of himself show earlier, been too weak to hold himself together. If he actually had to face J.D., he would have to face all of the thoughts and feelings he was trying desperately to force down. He wasn't ready to do that, not in front of those in with J.D. They wouldn't understand. He didn't know what to do. This was one of the few where his mind was drawing up blank on how to handle this—this _tragedy_. Logic no longer seemed to matter, as his body took control. He ran. He ran as fast as he possibly could, not thinking about where he was going, only about what he was leaving behind. The word "coward" ricocheting from one side of his mind to the other.

As her eyes left J.D.'s face to look about the room, Carla felt as though something was wrong. She quickly noticed the absence of Dr. Cox. She stepped around the bed, making her way closer to the door.

"Dr. Cox?"

When she didn't receive a reply, she poked her head out the door.

"What the hell?"

She muttered quietly as her eyes fell upon the empty hallway.

"I will be back in a little while."

Without waiting for a response from her husband or friend, she was off, looking for one of the two people that were causing her to experience more worry then she had ever known.

* * *

Dr. Cox found himself sitting on the cold, cement floor of the basement, knees drawn to his chest, his good arm hugging them tightly. He was leaning against a forgotten vending machine. The throbbing in his chest and shoulder seemed to sharpen suddenly. His mind latching onto thoughts of his own selfishness. Newbie was upstairs on the brink of death, hell, he pretty much was dead there for a while, and the great Perry Cox was cowering in the basement, very much alive, focusing on his own pain. His came swiftly, burning through his body, wanting to be unleashed. He slammed his head back against the machine. The thud his head made, mixed with his strangled cry, filled the dank air with a sound full of anguish.

As his anger evaporated, the throbbing in his shoulder was replaced with dullness in the back of his head, which was soon enveloped by a chilling, numbness. It spread throughout his body. He welcomed it, wanting to nothing more then to stay in that basement, numb and without emotion. That's when he heard the footsteps coming from the end of the hallway.

He squeezed his eyes shut and held his breath, hoping whoever it was would walk past without noticing him. The footsteps drew closer, suddenly stopping next to him. Carla's voice came floating down.

"Dr. Cox? Are you okay?"

In hopes that she would just walk away he remained still, silent, and with closed eyes.

"Dr. Cox, open your eyes."

He squeezed them shut even tighter.

"Dr. Cox, I can see you…"

He slowly opened one eye, looking up at her. He hastily shut it once again.

"Come on, Dr. Cox. Talk to me."

Her voice sounded closer. After deciding that she wasn't going away, his eyes opened to find her crouched before him.

"How did you find me?"

"Doug. He was walking out of the morgue when you went running past. You apparently knocked him to the ground so hard he bruised his butt. Scared him so bad he wet himself. He found me and told me you were down here. I got down here and heard you throwing your little tantrum. You want to tell me what that was about.

"They vending machine was out of Snickers?" He said trying unsuccessfully to make a joke. Carla frowned at the attempt.

"Will you at least come upstairs with me?"

"What for?"

"To get released. You know, so you can get home, clean up, eat, rest, and all that stuff. Not to mention changing out of those scrubs. Wait… When did you put those on?"

Really looking at him since she had been with him in his hospital room, Carla noticed the too tight scrubs.

"I put them on before I went up to see Newbie in surgery. That hospital gown wasn't covering much." Dr. Cox sheepishly replied.

"Where did you even get them? They seem kinda small for you."

"They are Newbie's. I got them from his locker. They are tight because Newbie likes to show off his girly physique."

Biting back the concern this behavior brought, she couldn't help but smile at the comment. She could have sworn that she saw the beginnings of a smile start at the corner of Dr. Cox's lips before he continued on.

"Why haven't you mentioned anything about me taking off before I saw Newbie?"

"I figured you were exhausted, mentally and physically. You will talk to me about it when you are ready. From the way you were talking about it earlier, you seem to have a lot to work through, but since you brought it up… What's going on with you?"

"Carla, I think I'm in trouble."

"What? Why? Wait, does this have anything to do with the guilt that has been oozing out of you since you brought Bambi in?"

"No! Well I guess that's one of my problems, but doesn't have anything to do with this one. Well if you try you can connect them, but it's not like not the guilt is what is fueling—"

"Whoa. Out with it already."

"I think I love him."

"That's no big deal. I love him, too. Turk and Elliot love him. Just because you were known to treat him poorly in the past doesn't mean you can't like him now."

"No. I _love_ him."

"Oh…OH! Really!?!"

"I don't know! I'm so scared and confused… and I can't believe I just told you all that."

He dropped his head onto his knees, mentally kicking himself.

"Perry, look at me."

From his position he managed a very mumbled, "Don't call me Perry."

"Honestly, we have known each other for how long? I mean come on, we even went on a date! I think that of all people I should be able—"

Dr. Cox's head shot up. Looking Carla directly in the eyes he said, "He called me Perry. Just before he asked me to help him…"

"Oh. Now I understand why you freaked out on Kelso."

Dr. Cox's head dropped back down.

"Dr. Cox. Come on, It's me you are talking to. You know you can tell me what's going on. Spill already!"

"I need to see him."

"Then why don't you go see him?"

"I need to see him… alone. As much as I hate to admit it, I do have some stuff I need to work through. I can't do that with Gandhi and Barbie breathing down my neck. I don't know how to explain it. I just need to see him, touch him."

"I completely understand. I can get Turk and Elliot outta there."

She looked at the tight scrubs he wore.

"I can send Turk over to your place to grab you a clean set of clothes. Jeans, t-shirt, and a hoodie?"

Looking down upon his bare feet, Dr. Cox said, "Socks and shoes, too. My other pair has blood on them."

"Sure. He can get those for you, too. Now come on, big guy. Let's go work trough your issues."

Carla stood, holding out a hand to him. Using his right hand, he gripped hers tightly, allowing her to help him up on his feet. They silently walked down the hallway and up the stairs.

* * *

Twenty minutes later Dr. Cox was standing outside of the private room they had moved J.D. to, his heart racing. Elliot was on her way home to clean up and get some rest before her next shift started. Turk was outside Dr. Cox's apartment, slightly frightened at what he may find inside. Carla was standing at the nurses' station, getting ready for her shift and watching Dr. Cox out of the corner of her eye. She watched as he took a deep breath, opened the door, and stepped in to the room. He shut the door quickly behind him.

Dr. Cox stood on the other side of the door, eyes glued to the floor. He hadn't looked up since he had opened the door. After calling himself a coward and some, um, other unsavory words, he had finally worked up the courage to look up. What he saw knocked him on his ass, literally. He slid down the door, landing solidly on the floor, staring at J.D.

J.D. was shirtless, covers pulled way down, exposing J.D.'s battered torso. Most of his stomach and a large part of his chest were wrapped in tight, white bandages, a few spots of blood marring the pure white. It seemed as though every inch of his chest that wasn't bandaged was covered in dark bruises. J.D. was also hooked up to a ventilator, too weak to breath on his own. Dr. Cox could see a deep, purplish bruise surrounding J.D.'s left eye. His bottom lip was swollen and split. Dr. Cox let his eyes wander to the deep nick on the edge of J.D.'s jaw line. It sat on the right side, produced by the knife that had been pressed there. Dr. Cox could see from what little skin wasn't bruised that J.D. looked about four shades paler then he usually did.

He sat there for a long time, just staring at J.D. and trying to take it all in. He flinched slightly when he heard a knock on the door.

Carla's voice came from the other side, "Dr. Cox? I have your clothes."

He slowly rose to his feet, momentarily brought back to reality. Opening the door he found Carla standing there, plastic bag in hand.

"Carla, would you mind, um, maybe helping… me. I'm sorta sore."

"Sure. No problem." Carla said in her best comforting/motherly voice.

She stepped in the room, quickly shutting the door behind her. The pair stepped into the bathroom. Carla helped him carefully remove the sling. She then slowly and carefully removed his shirt. She couldn't help but let out a small gasp at the bruising on his side.

"God. No wonder you are sore. Where's your bandage?"

"I tore it off in my rush to put on the scrubs. I didn't feel any pain when I was doing it. I think I was just running on adrenaline. All I knew was that I had to get to Newbie."

"Stay right here. I need to get your ribs wrapped up again."

She quietly left slipped out of the bathroom, out the door, and down the hallway, leaving Dr. Cox with nothing but the image of himself in the mirror to keep him company. He became mesmerized by the bruises. They sent him back to a place he didn't want to be. He was back in the alleyway, watching them stab Newbie. He saw something out of the corner of his eye. He turned to see one of the thugs pulling out the gun. The gunshot screamed through his mind. He jumped.

"Dr. Cox?"

Carla had come back in the bathroom to find him staring into the mirror. His eyes were glazed over with a far away look in them. He was shaking slightly, fists clenched, nails digging into his own palms.

"Dr. Cox?"

He jumped again, this time coming back down to earth.

"What?"

"Are you okay? You don't look so good."

"I'm fine. Just a little tired."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Just wrap my ribs."

"Alright! Jeez, I was just worried about you."

"Well don't be. I'm fine."

"Whatever. There your ribs are wrapped. Let's get your shirt on."

Carla helped him ease his left arm up and through the sleeve. She pulled the shirt down and in one swift movement went for his scrub bottoms.

"Hold on there, handsy. I do believe you have a husband. I know I'm sexy, but I don't think now is the right time. That ship has sailed."

"Don't flatter yourself. I help patients get dressed and undressed all the time. It's part of my job."

"So you're a hooker?"

"I dunno. Does it pay better?"

"I can handle it from here."

"Fine. How about I go get your release forms?'

"Alright."

Carla once again left Dr. Cox standing alone in the bathroom. This time he didn't look in the mirror. He pulled off the scrub bottoms, folding them carefully before he set them on the counter. He pulled on the old, worn jeans Turk had brought him. He put the toilet seat down, giving him a place to sit while he put on his socks and shoes. Before he stood, he picked up the crumpled scrub top. He folded it neatly, placing it on top of the scrub bottoms. He picked them up, holding them to his nose. He breathed in the faint scent of J.D. Walking out into J.D.'s room; scrubs held tightly to his chest, he looked for a place to set them. After placing them on the bedside table, he tossed his hoodie onto the back of a chair.

After scooting the chair as close to the bed as he could get it, he sat down. He reached his hand out to grip J.D.'s arm. His hand hovered there for a moment, almost grazing J.D.'s skin. Afraid to touch the kid's pale, fragile frame; afraid of doing more damage to the young man, he quickly drew his hand back. He decided to try again, this time making a move to brush the hair out of his face. J.D.'s hair was betraying its normal look; it was dull and there was no product to be found. Dr. Cox was amazed that in its natural state, it looked more unnatural then it ever had.

He began to pull his hand back when he heard Carla begin to speak.

"You can touch him. He won't break."

Dr. Cox shoved his hand into his pocket as he leaned back in the chair. He raised his head so he was looking toward the door. He found Carla leaning on the doorframe, a solemn look settled across her face.

"You're right. He won't break. He won't break because he's already broken."

Not knowing how to reply to that she just frowned as she crossed the room.

"I brought the forms. You need to sign here, here, and initial here. Good. You are officially released from the hospital. Where's your sling?"

"In there." He nodded toward the small bathroom. Wanting a better view of J.D.'s face, he stood. Carla was soon by his side, helping him with the sling. He never once took his eyes off J.D. That is until he decided to speak to Carla. He slowly raised his head up, turning it toward her. Fear, worry, and a sadness she had never seen in him before filled his eyes.

"What if he never forgives me?"

"Forgive you for what? None of this was your fault. You got him here. You saved him!"

"If I had tried harder he wouldn't have needed saving! The only reason he was even at that bar was because my incessant nagging and torture. I drove him to want to get away and drink. I did this to him!"

"That doesn't even make sense! J.D. made his own choices. He made the choice to go to that bar, the choice to drink, and the choice to leave that bar. You did your best to—"

"My best wasn't good enough! He's broken and there isn't anything I can do about it!"

"There is always something you can do. You just have to have the courage to try."

She turned away from him, heading out of the room. Dr. Cox turned his attention back to J.D. Only getting about halfway through the doorway, she suddenly stopped, looking back at the two.

"If something is broken then it has to be fixed. Fix him, Dr. Cox."

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"Be good to him. Let him know you are there for him, and actually be there when he needs you." Carla paused for a moment, thinking carefully about what she wanted to say next. "But most importantly… Love him. Love him every second of everyday."

"But what if he won't let me love him?"

"Then you will have to fight for him and once you get him, never let him go."

She exited the room, letting her words sink in.

Dr. Cox stumbled back into the chair, reaching up to find J.D.'s hand. He gripped it tightly, vowing to never give up on his fight for J.D.'s love.

"J.D., you have to be okay, because she's right. I love you. Damn it all to hell, but I love you."

Still gripping J.D.'s hand, he leaned forward, laying his head on the bed. Within seconds he was sleeping soundly.

* * *

Well there you have it. I hope you got some sort of entertainment out of it!

Lying close to you  
Feeling your heart beating  
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming  
Wondering if it's me you're seeing  
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together  
And I just wanna stay with you  
In this moment forever, forever and ever

'I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing' - Aerosmith


	5. My Selfishness

Disclaimer: Not mine. Past, present, or future.

This chapter is short and pudgy, and by that I mean bad. Anywho I know it has been a while so I thought I would slap something up here.

**Rivana - **sighs tell me about it stares longingly at injured JD

**psychoticKAT - **I kinda like JD so I thought I would let him stick around

**SpArKyCoLa77 - **Another amazing review! I'm glad you like it. I love writing it!

**XAngst-PrincessX - **If you are hooked then that means the first phase in my plan for world domination is working insert evil laugh here

Thanks to everyone who added me to their favorites and thier alerts!

* * *

It had only been a week, but for Perry Cox it felt like a lifetime. Sleep had become a distant memory and emotion now alien to his exhausted body. When asked, he couldn't recall the last time food had passed through his chapped lips. The days had started to blend together. He knew not of when one began and one ended. He wasn't really sure weather it was day or night, but none of it really mattered. There was only one thing that mattered. _His _Newbie. _His _J.D.

He spent his time sitting and staring at J.D. Watching the pale face for any sign of life. The ventilator had been removed earlier that day, but there still weren't any indications of when he would wake up. Carla, Elliot, Turk, and even Kelso had tried to reason with him, tried to get him to sleep or eat, and tried to get him to talk to them. Really talk to them. All he had done was grunt or answer yes or no questions.

Presently he was sitting on the end of the bed, speaking softly to J.D. When no one else was around he would talk to Newbie. Not necessarily about anything important, just whatever popped into his head. Jokes, memories, stories and whatever else he thought J.D. would want to hear.

Carla was passing by the room, when she heard Dr. Cox's soft voice coming from the other side of the slightly open door.

"I can remember when I was about eight I found a puppy on my way to school. He looked hungry so I took my sandwich out of my Superman lunch box. He didn't want to get close enough to take it from my hand at first but over the next few mornings I got him to even let me pet him while he was eating. Soon enough he was following me everywhere. He would sit outside of school until I got out and then follow me all the way the way home. My parents wouldn't let me bring him in the house for a while but they finally broke down and then there he was every night, right next to on the bed. He was so damn annoying, but I loved that stupid mutt more than I had ever loved anything else."

"It's nice to hear you say something with actual substance to it."

Dr. Cox jumped slightly before turning to find Carla leaning on the doorframe. He gave her an vacant stare before turning back to J.D.

"You can't keep doing this. You can't just shut yourself off. You need to take care of yourself."

"I don't matter."

"Don't say that. Of course you matter. You matter to me and to countless others, but most importantly you matter to him!"

He answered with silence.

"At least let me get you something from the cafeteria."

"I'm not hungry."

"Come on, Dr. Cox."

"No."

"How about you get some sleep."

"I can't."

"Why not? You must be exhausted."

"I have to be right here when he wakes up. I want him to know I'm here."

"I'm tired of this bullshit! You feel so entitled to take care of him, but if you keep goin at it like you are, then you're not be doin much of anything. You're wearing yourself down."

"I'm fine."

"No you're not! Take a look at yourself. You're pale, tired, and you look like you have lost some weight. You are utterly exhausted."

"It doesn't matter. I deserve it."

"Oh, give it a rest already, you selfish bastard! I'm not buying the whole 'Poor-me-it's-all-my-fault' routine. You, J.D., and whoever did this are the only people who happened out there. I can't even begin to imagine what you guys went through, but unless you were the one wielding the knife then I seriously doubt this was your fault."

"You're right. You don't know what we went through, so who are yo—"

"Just shut up and listen to me! None of us blame you and frankly we are all starting to get annoyed with this little guilt trip of yours. You need to straighten your ass up. If not for yourself, then at least do it for Bambi. Look at him. He needs all of us right now, especially when he wakes up. You are no use to any one like this."

"But—"

"I don't want to hear it. You say you love him, but how can I believe you if all you do is think about yourself."

Before Dr. Cox could think of something to retaliate with, she was gone. How dare she!?! Who does she think she is? All he did was think about Newbie. He wasn't being selfish. Was he? Maybe a little, but wasn't he entitled to be just a little selfish. He knew that he should probably get some sleep and maybe a little something to eat, but he couldn't take himself away from Newbie for even a second without getting anxious. He had to be there when he woke. He may have treated him poorly in the past, but he would make up for when they were finally together. He wanted J.D. to know that he was there.

He scooted closer to the head of the bed, scooping up J.D.'s lifeless hand.

"You don't think I'm being selfish, do you? You probably hate me. I don't even like me right now, which is weird cause I ALWAYS like me. I feel so bad. Carla keeps telling me that it wasn't my fault and that you will probably forgive, but it doesn't feel that way."

He shifted his eyes down to the hand that was in his own. He stroked it gently.

"I may not have been there when you needed me in the past, but I'm here now. It took me long enough but I finally realize how much you mean to me and I'm not going to give that up."

"That's kinda girly."

Perry's eyes shot up, trying to find the source of the raspy voice. Tears began to fill his eyes as he gazed at Newbie's beautiful, dark blue eyes.

"What's wrong, Dr. Cox?"

"Nothin. Absolutly nothin, kid."

"Water?"

"Oh of course."

He handed the glass to J.D. who drank its contents greedily.

"Whoa, slow down."

J.D. lowered the glass, givng a small sheepish grin to Dr. Cox. He suddenly noticed the sling and pale features of his mentor.

"Dr. Cox! Are you okay? What happened to your arm?"

"I'm fine, there is no need to worry about me."

"But you don't look so good."

"I'm better now though."

"What happened?"

"How much do you remember?"

J.D. opened his mouth again, ready to speak, but all that came out was a long string of hacking coughs.

"Whoa, easy there, Newbie." Dr. Cox said as he handed the young man a glass of water.

"Hurts."

"What hurts?"

"Everything."

"Here. Let me call the nurse in." Dr. Cox said while he reached across J.D., hand groping about for the call button. It seemed as though Carla was in the room within seconds.

"What's wrong?" Her dark eyes scanning the room. They came to rest on the younger mans face, "Bambi!"

"Carla, it hurts."

"Let me take care of that, Bambi."

Within a few minutes J.D. had slipped back into a drug induced slumber.

"Hey, Carla?"

"Yeah?"

"You still want to get me some of that food."

"Sure thing. Let me just go call Turk and Elliot, to inform them of sleeping beauties awakening."

Noticing for the first time how hungry he actually was, Dr. Cox sat back in his chair, listening to the low rumble coming from his stomach. His boy was gonna be alright. At least he hoped so...

* * *

There you have it. Not sure if this chapter makes mch sense. I wrote it really, really late a few nights ago and haven't had much of a chance to go over it. The next chapter should be longer and better! Hope that works for now.

Try, try to forget,  
what's in the past,  
tomorrow is here.  
Love, orange sky above,  
lighting your way  
there's nothing to fear.

Eels

"Fresh Feeling"


End file.
